If you were to ask yourself what are the top four things it takes for you to succeed and achieve in EVERY area of your life, how would you respond?
You & I are called to a live in a manner which appropriately responds when life throws us totally outrageous, exciting and unplanned life-changing adventures.
The only way to a safe arrival and the ability to sustain equilibrium is to set one's will to become a permanent resident who solely responds from a place of consistent, yet active rest. The kind of rest that enables you to operate from the center of your intuitive power, no matter what activity you engage in.
I believe humans generally want the same things. Those four things in my opinion are:
1) Health
2) Stability
3) Peace of Mind
4) Confidence
A life filled with health, stability, peace of mind & confidence is the wellspring of all your joy, peace, & power. This infrastructure is paramount to achieve the impossible life we're constantly summoned to NAVIGATE. No matter how much or how little you or I know, we must become committed to continuous learning.
Every challenge is a personal invitation to discover more about who you are, what the world is all about and better coordinate thoughts, actions and consistent, yet active rest.
I recently had the opportunity of being interviewed by Ashley Arn Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC #49853), Founder of Orange County Counseling. If you live anywhere near her, you should look her up and acquire her services!
In this interview, I was presented with a series of insightful questions which enabled me to be transparent for the sake of countless others as well as celebrate and honor my evolution as an individual, daughter, wife, sister, extended family member and friend!
When life is all said and done, life ONLY belongs to those who take strategic action. Even if you aren't a woman, there's still many perils you can obtain from my interview and myriad posts/resources available available from the homepage of Dr. Arn's website.
The link to the interview is: http://bit.ly/gxLcvg
To your greatness,
Pen name Tatum
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Friday, March 26, 2010
What are you building with your life? The common denominator for breakthrough.
There are many large, extravagant homes in the world, but the Winchester Mansion stands out from the crowd because of the strange features you will find inside. For example, there are a number of staircases that literally go nowhere, stopping at the ceiling. You might think that somebody decided to close off a staircase, but actually, they were designed that way.
Some of the more functional staircases are also strange. One of them is nicknamed the "switchback staircase" because it turns seven times and has 44 steps, even though it only goes up about nine feet. Why would somebody design a staircase like that?
For that matter, why would somebody design any of the oddities in the Winchester house?
The Winchester house was under construction 24-hours a day, seven days a week, for 38 years. Eventually it spread to 160 rooms from a mere 8, but when Sarah Winchester suddenly died, the entire project came to a grinding halt.
How this correlates to our lives?
Most of us haven’t built a senseless mansion with secret rooms or staircases that don't go anywhere, but maybe your life is a terrible mess, or you live in constant fear, with a broken heart, resentment, regret or uncertainty of what your future holds.
This causes you to feel addicted and trapped like Sarah, yet for different reasons. Sarah was the wife of William Winchester, the son of the man who made the famous Winchester repeating rifle. Sarah and William had one child, a little girl named Annie, who died of a protein deficiency six weeks after birth. Fifteen years later, her husband William died of pulmonary tuberculosis, leaving her feeling lost & searching for answers.
Sarah sought answers from a psychic who indicated she and her family were under a curse due to selling Winchester riffles and the only method of escape was to move to the West Coast and build a property the way the spirits led.
Sarah was so desperate for a solution that she didn’t pay attention to the obvious-there was another way of probable escape from her loneliness. Ultimately Sarah found herself knee deep in renovation madness which ensued 24-hours per week, 365 days per year. Who in their right mind would sign up to live through constant remodeling?
I think of the many times I’ve repeatedly wrestled with frustrating esteem debilitating issues, only to believe my options were limited (or non-existent) because of failing to open myself to the possibility that things could be different.
So how do we get past our past?
You have to reduce everything down to the least common denominator.
The common denominator is the same all the time. You can work the common denominator and ultimately arrive at an answer. There is a feasible answer to each troubling question, no matter the situation, which WORKS.
Discovering the common denominator is the ONLY way to get past our past. It reveals the quality decision needing to be made, including the measurable, actionable steps.
1st: Face the truth about the situation we are dealing with. Honestly describe what you’re dealing with and TEMPORARILY grieve the circumstance. You’re human; hurt, anguish and defeat are normal emotions.
2nd: Identify solutions and those resources (people, books, cd’s, etc), which helps to conquer the circumstance, repeatedly undermining you.
3rd: Get moving by actively applying what’s been learned. This is the place many fail. This occurs namely due to a couple reasons: a) complacency, b) hopelessness, and/or c) pride.
I recall a painful experience where a stepchild inappropriately rejected me. Initially I was shocked! My feelings progressed to frustration, anxiety and resentment. This began to take a toll on my relationship and my self-esteem.
I felt deeply wronged, criticized and was told to just get over it, without the opportunity to address the issue which had progressed to “issues.”
So what to do?
Ultimately I recognized the pain and blatant disrespect had more to do with the stepchild, their ‘relational way of accepted being;’ this wasn’t personal, just simply RUDENESS allowed by their parent and other relatives, preoccupied with looking good, rather than providing clear boundaries and NECESSARY correction.
This understanding was my catalyst for change. It’s far too easy to personalize the attack and perceive it from an improper perspective and actually remain stuck there.
I still am applying steps 2 and 3 to my life circumstance. Some days are easier than others, namely because I don’t always feel supported. The thing which, helps, is to remind myself of the truth, to trump the horrific facts.
Life boils down to a quality decision. Decide optimally and you’ll renovate the mess of a life previously made in no time. Soon, your new life will be second nature.
If you will commit to this life changing way of thinking, you’ll understand, like me that “CIRCUMSTANCES DON’T MAKE ME, THEY REVEAL ME.”
Thank God we all are provided the opportunity to CHANGE.
To your greatness
Some of the more functional staircases are also strange. One of them is nicknamed the "switchback staircase" because it turns seven times and has 44 steps, even though it only goes up about nine feet. Why would somebody design a staircase like that?
For that matter, why would somebody design any of the oddities in the Winchester house?
The Winchester house was under construction 24-hours a day, seven days a week, for 38 years. Eventually it spread to 160 rooms from a mere 8, but when Sarah Winchester suddenly died, the entire project came to a grinding halt.
How this correlates to our lives?
Most of us haven’t built a senseless mansion with secret rooms or staircases that don't go anywhere, but maybe your life is a terrible mess, or you live in constant fear, with a broken heart, resentment, regret or uncertainty of what your future holds.
This causes you to feel addicted and trapped like Sarah, yet for different reasons. Sarah was the wife of William Winchester, the son of the man who made the famous Winchester repeating rifle. Sarah and William had one child, a little girl named Annie, who died of a protein deficiency six weeks after birth. Fifteen years later, her husband William died of pulmonary tuberculosis, leaving her feeling lost & searching for answers.
Sarah sought answers from a psychic who indicated she and her family were under a curse due to selling Winchester riffles and the only method of escape was to move to the West Coast and build a property the way the spirits led.
Sarah was so desperate for a solution that she didn’t pay attention to the obvious-there was another way of probable escape from her loneliness. Ultimately Sarah found herself knee deep in renovation madness which ensued 24-hours per week, 365 days per year. Who in their right mind would sign up to live through constant remodeling?
I think of the many times I’ve repeatedly wrestled with frustrating esteem debilitating issues, only to believe my options were limited (or non-existent) because of failing to open myself to the possibility that things could be different.
So how do we get past our past?
You have to reduce everything down to the least common denominator.
The common denominator is the same all the time. You can work the common denominator and ultimately arrive at an answer. There is a feasible answer to each troubling question, no matter the situation, which WORKS.
Discovering the common denominator is the ONLY way to get past our past. It reveals the quality decision needing to be made, including the measurable, actionable steps.
1st: Face the truth about the situation we are dealing with. Honestly describe what you’re dealing with and TEMPORARILY grieve the circumstance. You’re human; hurt, anguish and defeat are normal emotions.
2nd: Identify solutions and those resources (people, books, cd’s, etc), which helps to conquer the circumstance, repeatedly undermining you.
3rd: Get moving by actively applying what’s been learned. This is the place many fail. This occurs namely due to a couple reasons: a) complacency, b) hopelessness, and/or c) pride.
I recall a painful experience where a stepchild inappropriately rejected me. Initially I was shocked! My feelings progressed to frustration, anxiety and resentment. This began to take a toll on my relationship and my self-esteem.
I felt deeply wronged, criticized and was told to just get over it, without the opportunity to address the issue which had progressed to “issues.”
So what to do?
Ultimately I recognized the pain and blatant disrespect had more to do with the stepchild, their ‘relational way of accepted being;’ this wasn’t personal, just simply RUDENESS allowed by their parent and other relatives, preoccupied with looking good, rather than providing clear boundaries and NECESSARY correction.
This understanding was my catalyst for change. It’s far too easy to personalize the attack and perceive it from an improper perspective and actually remain stuck there.
I still am applying steps 2 and 3 to my life circumstance. Some days are easier than others, namely because I don’t always feel supported. The thing which, helps, is to remind myself of the truth, to trump the horrific facts.
Life boils down to a quality decision. Decide optimally and you’ll renovate the mess of a life previously made in no time. Soon, your new life will be second nature.
If you will commit to this life changing way of thinking, you’ll understand, like me that “CIRCUMSTANCES DON’T MAKE ME, THEY REVEAL ME.”
Thank God we all are provided the opportunity to CHANGE.
To your greatness
Monday, January 11, 2010
When was your last Metamorphosis…or current hiding place?
“I want you to get excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you are now.” –Virginia Satir
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever uncovers them finds mercy and prospers. Proverbs 28:13
Have you ever played a game of hide and seek? As a child, I regularly played this game with my father. My brother and I would hide when we heard our father opening the door. My brother would hide in the identical places and would go so far as to beckon attention to the area he was hiding when my father acted as though he couldn’t find us.
I on the other hand was strategic. I made it my priority to stake out places to hide so never to be “discovered.”
Hide and seek is ok for children, yet as adults its an ENTIRELY different matter. Adults in hiding subconsciously perceive themselves as “know-it alls” or suffer from low self-esteem.
Adults in hiding have faced a series of unmet expectations, causing a paralysis of metamorphosis in an effort to ward off all future pain or disappointment. You most likely suffer from this if you either 1) think you have everyone figured out, 2) serially pre-judge others motives, or 3) love the saying “if you don’t expect anything good to happen you won’t be disappointed.”
Those who are wrestling with the residue of unmet expectations-in one or more aspects of their life have forgotten the end of a season or era, no matter how dramatic or downright wrong or cruel it may be, doesn’t mean they must cease trusting the process of life.
Left unchallenged, this individual will find themselves cynical, prone to incessantly blame others, huddle with other “victims” while judging others as inferior to them, vehemently refuse to accept any responsibility for their actions/inaction and hide from anything which remotely seeks intimacy. The worst part for this person is an unconscious inability to genuinely GIVE or RECEIVE grace-undeserved, unearned favor, forgiveness, love and kindness. This intricate tango is oxygen to any viable relationship-with oneself or otherwise.
None of us are immune!
As I was thinking of how horrible it must be to hide in anger, fear, apathy or low self-esteem it became apparent that none of us are above the game of adult hide and seek.
If every aspect of our lives isn’t continuously being examined, we inadvertently join the ranks of those who hide, cutting ourselves off from living our best life-personally, professionally, spiritually and physically.
After listening to a compelling conversation on New Years Resolutions, I composed two lists-what to do or keep doing if hiding remains an appealing option versus what’s truly necessary for those desirous to CHANGE and grow in intimacy and grace toward oneself and strategically with others.
The absolute foolproof method to experience a miserable 2010 is:
1. Worry incessantly about anything and everything i.e. aging, job security, relationships, your children, and your bodyweight.
2. Pre-occupy yourself with getting rich. i.e. fall for a too good to be true get rich scheme. Covet everything the rich and famous have; the desirable stuff only, without taking into account the hard work, the responsibility, et al of being “rich.”
3. Compare yourself to others. It’s guaranteed you’ll always come out worse because you’ll likely namely feel compelled to compare yourself with those you’ve deemed “better” than yourself.
4. Add to your list of enemies. Now you’ll have a head start on being increasingly bitter and pessimistic about life and people will definitely begin (or continue) avoiding you.
5. Set and cling to unrealistic expectations/predictions i.e. compare yourself to the rock hard abs infomercial that comes on at 2:30am in the morning using people that probably never had bodies like the 95% of the world they’re selling the machines to.
The ideal path to sustainable CHANGE 2010 and beyond is:
1. Remember everyone’ll watch you. Consistently purify your motives. People see through us, so make sure that we advertise in the storefront, that which is in the storehouse.
2. Remember you’ll encounter unreasonable situations and people. Unfair, dishonest, backward treatment will happen to even the best of us. Our human tendency is toward a desire for retribution; especially the types that no one else will see you’ve carried out.
3. Remember, you’ll have some setbacks. However daunting they may be, you must get over them.
4. Remember, you’ll require unusual patience and will need to extend unusual grace. When you do what is right and suffer for it, you’ll find favor with God and others. When you maintain a course of action during intense opposition, you will win. Remember that nothing stays the same.
5. Remember you’ll consistently need to restore your HOPE. You’ll need to make it a priority to trust in more than just yourself.
Review this list bi-weekly to keep yourself mindful of the necessity to live an authentic life. Further, enlist the support of others who will hold you accountable and enthusiastic about your goals.
No one can change or sustain momentum alone. None of us are as smart as all of us!
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever uncovers them finds mercy and prospers. Proverbs 28:13
Have you ever played a game of hide and seek? As a child, I regularly played this game with my father. My brother and I would hide when we heard our father opening the door. My brother would hide in the identical places and would go so far as to beckon attention to the area he was hiding when my father acted as though he couldn’t find us.
I on the other hand was strategic. I made it my priority to stake out places to hide so never to be “discovered.”
Hide and seek is ok for children, yet as adults its an ENTIRELY different matter. Adults in hiding subconsciously perceive themselves as “know-it alls” or suffer from low self-esteem.
Adults in hiding have faced a series of unmet expectations, causing a paralysis of metamorphosis in an effort to ward off all future pain or disappointment. You most likely suffer from this if you either 1) think you have everyone figured out, 2) serially pre-judge others motives, or 3) love the saying “if you don’t expect anything good to happen you won’t be disappointed.”
Those who are wrestling with the residue of unmet expectations-in one or more aspects of their life have forgotten the end of a season or era, no matter how dramatic or downright wrong or cruel it may be, doesn’t mean they must cease trusting the process of life.
Left unchallenged, this individual will find themselves cynical, prone to incessantly blame others, huddle with other “victims” while judging others as inferior to them, vehemently refuse to accept any responsibility for their actions/inaction and hide from anything which remotely seeks intimacy. The worst part for this person is an unconscious inability to genuinely GIVE or RECEIVE grace-undeserved, unearned favor, forgiveness, love and kindness. This intricate tango is oxygen to any viable relationship-with oneself or otherwise.
None of us are immune!
As I was thinking of how horrible it must be to hide in anger, fear, apathy or low self-esteem it became apparent that none of us are above the game of adult hide and seek.
If every aspect of our lives isn’t continuously being examined, we inadvertently join the ranks of those who hide, cutting ourselves off from living our best life-personally, professionally, spiritually and physically.
After listening to a compelling conversation on New Years Resolutions, I composed two lists-what to do or keep doing if hiding remains an appealing option versus what’s truly necessary for those desirous to CHANGE and grow in intimacy and grace toward oneself and strategically with others.
The absolute foolproof method to experience a miserable 2010 is:
1. Worry incessantly about anything and everything i.e. aging, job security, relationships, your children, and your bodyweight.
2. Pre-occupy yourself with getting rich. i.e. fall for a too good to be true get rich scheme. Covet everything the rich and famous have; the desirable stuff only, without taking into account the hard work, the responsibility, et al of being “rich.”
3. Compare yourself to others. It’s guaranteed you’ll always come out worse because you’ll likely namely feel compelled to compare yourself with those you’ve deemed “better” than yourself.
4. Add to your list of enemies. Now you’ll have a head start on being increasingly bitter and pessimistic about life and people will definitely begin (or continue) avoiding you.
5. Set and cling to unrealistic expectations/predictions i.e. compare yourself to the rock hard abs infomercial that comes on at 2:30am in the morning using people that probably never had bodies like the 95% of the world they’re selling the machines to.
The ideal path to sustainable CHANGE 2010 and beyond is:
1. Remember everyone’ll watch you. Consistently purify your motives. People see through us, so make sure that we advertise in the storefront, that which is in the storehouse.
2. Remember you’ll encounter unreasonable situations and people. Unfair, dishonest, backward treatment will happen to even the best of us. Our human tendency is toward a desire for retribution; especially the types that no one else will see you’ve carried out.
3. Remember, you’ll have some setbacks. However daunting they may be, you must get over them.
4. Remember, you’ll require unusual patience and will need to extend unusual grace. When you do what is right and suffer for it, you’ll find favor with God and others. When you maintain a course of action during intense opposition, you will win. Remember that nothing stays the same.
5. Remember you’ll consistently need to restore your HOPE. You’ll need to make it a priority to trust in more than just yourself.
Review this list bi-weekly to keep yourself mindful of the necessity to live an authentic life. Further, enlist the support of others who will hold you accountable and enthusiastic about your goals.
No one can change or sustain momentum alone. None of us are as smart as all of us!
Monday, December 28, 2009
How much do you, Bristlecone Pine Trees & Radicalis have in common?
“Into every life, some rain must fall.”
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1842
Bristlecone trees, like human beings have been through all sorts of storms. Bristlecone trees are sustained because its nature adapts. The very hardships it must adapt to cultivate trees so beautiful and so ancient they surpass the majestic Giant Sequoia of the Sierra by more than a millennium. Bristlecone roots run so deep that it isn’t moved by anything.
These trees look dead, yet are very much alive. They are the oldest trees on the earth-about 4,000 years old. Nothing can uproot it or shake its foundation!
After witnessing the Bristlecone Tree firsthand I got to thinking about the aspects of my life where my roots go deep like the Bristlecone and those where my roots are shallow and roll like the infamous tumbleweeds.
The places of my life with Bristlecone depth include: my treasured relationships with others; my persistence concerning a project that’s near and dear to my heart and my relationship with myself: a constant willingness to self-analyze, relearn and regroup.
I soon discovered, the other places of my life weren't the depth previously calculated. Aspects of it feel like they’re blowing away or are being partially swept away by remnants of a tsunami.
Purposing to convert the challenges, which presented into a growth opportunity, I pledged to ask myself what’s standing in my way and what’s next?
What’s STANDING in the way?
The question, which kept encircling my mind, was why there were aspects of my life where I felt I was always learning; yet NEVER coming into the KNOWLEDGE of those truths?
I honestly thought I was stronger than I was. The very areas taken for granted in passive reflection as inherent strengths, I couldn’t write down as Bristlecone deep. For example, I thought I’d mastered the area of not taking things personally-yet over the past two year’s, my life had been ambushed by several situations where my character was attacked…. and it hurt!
Yes I’ve rebounded from much of it, yet there’s this lingering stuff that raises its evil head just when I’m ready to emerge as this healed-whole person that’s well able to look past the pettiness of a few mean spirited individuals and circumstances.
The places where I find myself stuck are those where my memories of the past are more vivid than my future.
The balance of this blog entry will focus on what you and I require to withstand whatever is thrown at us.
What’s NEXT?
I scoured the Internet, my personal and professional resources to tackle the emotions I was experiencing. The targeted outcome was to ingrain forgiveness in my soul and increase resiliency...as I became crystal clear that additional challenges will arise as my life emerges to new heights.
I discovered something profound, yet meaningful from Virginia Smith Harvey, PhD, NCSP. Harvey indicated, “It is neither possible nor appropriate for forgiveness to occur while the harm is still occurring. For example, a person who is being abused should not try to forgive the offender while the abuse is still occurring. But later, forgiving increases well-being and improves interpersonal relations. In forgiving, an injured person can develop empathy and come to understand even an abuser’s needs and motives. Empathy can enable a person to accept imperfections in all people, including themselves. Forgiving persons choose to experience, appropriately express, and then let go of negative feelings of anger, guilt, and retaliation. All of these responses increase future resiliency.”
Here was my answer. I was actually more resilient than I’d been giving myself credit for, in terms of the character and circumstance attacks I’d endured. I merely needed a NON BIASED voice of reason to clarify things for me.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t being inappropriate or unforgiving; rather I am & was (yes all at the same time) in the midst of a metaphoric Perfect Storm and wasn’t being offered a mercy/apologetic amends raft by my would be accusers, character assassins & circumstances that had occurred beyond my control!
Bottom-line:
My new objective is to control the controllables. This begins and ends with m-y-s-e-l-f! In controlling my responses, I better grasp the resilience already in my personal, professional, emotional & physical arsenal to appropriately and quickly deal with anxiety, anger, or depression that can result from the ongoing adversity, I’ve been/am subject to.
The second benefit of this behavior modification is it enables me during times of peace, self-encouragement, as well as pre-establish a series of realistic and manageable goals aka boundaries. For instance, in times of pondering solutions with difficult people/circumstances, I can preface interactions by providing a consistent structure and clear expectations; that is, expressing what behavior(s) are acceptable for interactions with me regarding “________”, and what behavior(s) are not acceptable regarding “________”.
But! It’s too hard….
Nothing is too hard unless you believe it is. Yes it will be difficult to establish changes in your life, yet not impossible. The true culprit that stops you and I if we aren’t diligent and clear about the outcome we’re seeking is FRUSTRATION & HOPELESSNESS.
Hope is the oxygen of your & my soul. However, everywhere we turn we now see the downfall of the economy, tragedies, and strained relationships-many feel very HOPELESS.
Frustration is an enemy to knowledge because it ‘s faith functioning without hope.
"Hope is the blueprint of faith." When hope is lost, your faith loses its aim. You no longer have a mission to accomplish. Rather, you scatter efforts uselessly in every direction.
Expectation in Greek means the happy anticipation of good, eager longing, strained expectancy, watching with an outstretched head, and abstraction from anything else that might engage the attention.
Hope is regained when you take your idealized end point, keep it before your eyes and in your ears until you’ve built an image inside you. Hope cannot be penetrated when you cannot see yourself without whatever it is that you endeavor to have, become or see manifested.
You know you’re on the right track when you become so tuned in to what you envision, that you can’t think about anything else.
People may try to have a conversation with you and you’ll always end up talking about your hope/expected endpoint.
When your hope gets that strong, it doesn't matter what kind of unbelief people and life circumstances tries to throw your way, it’ll just bounce off you. You're so one-track-minded; you can't be drawn off course.
Remember HOPE is birthed in the heart & mind, activated through the mouth, followed by corresponding action-after you speak something, you have to do something!
It’s fed by gaining and acting on the knowledge gained.
The litmus test… When knowledge is received, you act upon it like advice received from your pharmacist, doctor, lawyer or trusted friend.
When will you act upon this insight contained in this blog? I’ve already got my 3x5 card of advice offered by Virginia Smith Harvey, PhD, NCSP. I’ll refer to it when I’m tempted to beat myself up over something I shouldn’t.
To your greatness,
Tatum
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1842
Bristlecone trees, like human beings have been through all sorts of storms. Bristlecone trees are sustained because its nature adapts. The very hardships it must adapt to cultivate trees so beautiful and so ancient they surpass the majestic Giant Sequoia of the Sierra by more than a millennium. Bristlecone roots run so deep that it isn’t moved by anything.
These trees look dead, yet are very much alive. They are the oldest trees on the earth-about 4,000 years old. Nothing can uproot it or shake its foundation!
After witnessing the Bristlecone Tree firsthand I got to thinking about the aspects of my life where my roots go deep like the Bristlecone and those where my roots are shallow and roll like the infamous tumbleweeds.
The places of my life with Bristlecone depth include: my treasured relationships with others; my persistence concerning a project that’s near and dear to my heart and my relationship with myself: a constant willingness to self-analyze, relearn and regroup.
I soon discovered, the other places of my life weren't the depth previously calculated. Aspects of it feel like they’re blowing away or are being partially swept away by remnants of a tsunami.
Purposing to convert the challenges, which presented into a growth opportunity, I pledged to ask myself what’s standing in my way and what’s next?
What’s STANDING in the way?
The question, which kept encircling my mind, was why there were aspects of my life where I felt I was always learning; yet NEVER coming into the KNOWLEDGE of those truths?
I honestly thought I was stronger than I was. The very areas taken for granted in passive reflection as inherent strengths, I couldn’t write down as Bristlecone deep. For example, I thought I’d mastered the area of not taking things personally-yet over the past two year’s, my life had been ambushed by several situations where my character was attacked…. and it hurt!
Yes I’ve rebounded from much of it, yet there’s this lingering stuff that raises its evil head just when I’m ready to emerge as this healed-whole person that’s well able to look past the pettiness of a few mean spirited individuals and circumstances.
The places where I find myself stuck are those where my memories of the past are more vivid than my future.
The balance of this blog entry will focus on what you and I require to withstand whatever is thrown at us.
What’s NEXT?
I scoured the Internet, my personal and professional resources to tackle the emotions I was experiencing. The targeted outcome was to ingrain forgiveness in my soul and increase resiliency...as I became crystal clear that additional challenges will arise as my life emerges to new heights.
I discovered something profound, yet meaningful from Virginia Smith Harvey, PhD, NCSP. Harvey indicated, “It is neither possible nor appropriate for forgiveness to occur while the harm is still occurring. For example, a person who is being abused should not try to forgive the offender while the abuse is still occurring. But later, forgiving increases well-being and improves interpersonal relations. In forgiving, an injured person can develop empathy and come to understand even an abuser’s needs and motives. Empathy can enable a person to accept imperfections in all people, including themselves. Forgiving persons choose to experience, appropriately express, and then let go of negative feelings of anger, guilt, and retaliation. All of these responses increase future resiliency.”
Here was my answer. I was actually more resilient than I’d been giving myself credit for, in terms of the character and circumstance attacks I’d endured. I merely needed a NON BIASED voice of reason to clarify things for me.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t being inappropriate or unforgiving; rather I am & was (yes all at the same time) in the midst of a metaphoric Perfect Storm and wasn’t being offered a mercy/apologetic amends raft by my would be accusers, character assassins & circumstances that had occurred beyond my control!
Bottom-line:
My new objective is to control the controllables. This begins and ends with m-y-s-e-l-f! In controlling my responses, I better grasp the resilience already in my personal, professional, emotional & physical arsenal to appropriately and quickly deal with anxiety, anger, or depression that can result from the ongoing adversity, I’ve been/am subject to.
The second benefit of this behavior modification is it enables me during times of peace, self-encouragement, as well as pre-establish a series of realistic and manageable goals aka boundaries. For instance, in times of pondering solutions with difficult people/circumstances, I can preface interactions by providing a consistent structure and clear expectations; that is, expressing what behavior(s) are acceptable for interactions with me regarding “________”, and what behavior(s) are not acceptable regarding “________”.
But! It’s too hard….
Nothing is too hard unless you believe it is. Yes it will be difficult to establish changes in your life, yet not impossible. The true culprit that stops you and I if we aren’t diligent and clear about the outcome we’re seeking is FRUSTRATION & HOPELESSNESS.
Hope is the oxygen of your & my soul. However, everywhere we turn we now see the downfall of the economy, tragedies, and strained relationships-many feel very HOPELESS.
Frustration is an enemy to knowledge because it ‘s faith functioning without hope.
"Hope is the blueprint of faith." When hope is lost, your faith loses its aim. You no longer have a mission to accomplish. Rather, you scatter efforts uselessly in every direction.
Expectation in Greek means the happy anticipation of good, eager longing, strained expectancy, watching with an outstretched head, and abstraction from anything else that might engage the attention.
Hope is regained when you take your idealized end point, keep it before your eyes and in your ears until you’ve built an image inside you. Hope cannot be penetrated when you cannot see yourself without whatever it is that you endeavor to have, become or see manifested.
You know you’re on the right track when you become so tuned in to what you envision, that you can’t think about anything else.
People may try to have a conversation with you and you’ll always end up talking about your hope/expected endpoint.
When your hope gets that strong, it doesn't matter what kind of unbelief people and life circumstances tries to throw your way, it’ll just bounce off you. You're so one-track-minded; you can't be drawn off course.
Remember HOPE is birthed in the heart & mind, activated through the mouth, followed by corresponding action-after you speak something, you have to do something!
It’s fed by gaining and acting on the knowledge gained.
The litmus test… When knowledge is received, you act upon it like advice received from your pharmacist, doctor, lawyer or trusted friend.
When will you act upon this insight contained in this blog? I’ve already got my 3x5 card of advice offered by Virginia Smith Harvey, PhD, NCSP. I’ll refer to it when I’m tempted to beat myself up over something I shouldn’t.
To your greatness,
Tatum
Saturday, October 17, 2009
And This Too Shall Pass...
“To me, success is doing what you want to do and making a living at it. That’s all I wanted to do.”
Frankie Valli
I finally had the opportunity to see Jersey Boys. Jersey Boys tells the stranger-than-fiction tale of how four mob-connected tough kids from Newark, New Jersey defied the odds to become one of rock’s all-time, best-selling acts.
This story was entertaining, yet vividly depicted the importance of being faithful.
During their nearly 40 year career Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons sold over a 100 million records, were inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1990, making them the most long lived and successful doo wop group.
Everything has a history…
As a child, Valli had no formal vocal training but instead taught himself to sing by doing impressions of other artists. Since he had a naturally high voice, he SPECIFICALLY focused on singers Rose Murphy and Dinah Washington.
What made Valli uncommon as a singer, especially while carving a niche in those early days, was his stratospheric falsetto. Critics called Valli's vocals everything from shrill to shrieking, but the falsetto remained his signature sound. His remarkable range allowed him to create expert harmonies, and the singer was amply able to hit high notes without his voice breaking.
Valli’s life on the surface looked successful; however his overnight success was some ten years in the making! While the band’s massive artistic and commercial triumphs are celebrated, the play’s considerable drama springs from the darker elements of the group’s story, from DeVito’s troubles with mob loan sharks that helped torpedo the act at the height of its success, to Valli’s dysfunctional family life.
How Frankie’s life matters to each of us? What lessons can we take away from his?
Frankie Valli is a triple threat to the entertainment industry. There’s a shortlist of entertainers who’ve successfully leveraged a unique vocal range synonymously with sustainable marketability. Who else could tackle the breadth of material that Frankie has done over the years and not just do it justice, but take it on to a point that places it artistically beyond the reach of others to imitate?
Use what you’ve got and develop it…get past the setbacks!
Rhythm and blues music was doing falsetto for years, yet Valli developed falsetto singing style at a more expansive level, unheard of in the past and even today.
Valli has managed to reinvent himself a number of times. No artist in the history of popular music has been able to maintain consistent success over a very long period.
Valli re-wrote the story of his life several times until he and his group, were able to reach success. Valli networked, practiced relentlessly, and studied Frank Sinatra and other musical legends of that time. Valli let each setback serve as a springboard to future success. Valli also was a quick-study when it came to setbacks; he learned from it and always focused on the future. Valli was ahead of his industry counterparts by maintaining ownership of the group’s original masters which has created financial freedom for himself and his business partner.
At one point in Valli’s career he developed otosclerosis, an incurable ear disease caused by a build up of calcium deposits, which leads to deafness. It got so bad that Valli couldn't hear himself on stage or while recording many of the hits fans have come to love. This condition lasted for several years before any solution was discovered.
Despite this performance altering setback, Valli maintained a professional acumen, without any live audience or recording studio awareness.
There’s some obstacle that we have to strategically address & some areas of our lives we will never fully recover from, like Valli, who never has fully recovered his hearing. Despite these tragedies, it’s imperative that we create a strategy to bounce back…and quickly.
So the empowering question I pose to you today is “What will you do to overcome your most recent setback…and WHEN will you begin?”
I’m committed to re-inventing my approach to a project that’s dear to my professional life and the lives of countless others. I am doing all that I can to REMAIN teachable, quick to change and increasingly open to innovative approaches? How about you?
Remain confident, courageous and phenomenal…
Remember you’ll only lead your life when you WHOLLY understand who you are. Begin the CHANGE revolution today.
“To me, success is doing what you want to do and making a living at it. That’s all I wanted to do.”
Frankie Valli
I finally had the opportunity to see Jersey Boys. Jersey Boys tells the stranger-than-fiction tale of how four mob-connected tough kids from Newark, New Jersey defied the odds to become one of rock’s all-time, best-selling acts.
This story was entertaining, yet vividly depicted the importance of being faithful.
During their nearly 40 year career Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons sold over a 100 million records, were inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1990, making them the most long lived and successful doo wop group.
Everything has a history…
As a child, Valli had no formal vocal training but instead taught himself to sing by doing impressions of other artists. Since he had a naturally high voice, he SPECIFICALLY focused on singers Rose Murphy and Dinah Washington.
What made Valli uncommon as a singer, especially while carving a niche in those early days, was his stratospheric falsetto. Critics called Valli's vocals everything from shrill to shrieking, but the falsetto remained his signature sound. His remarkable range allowed him to create expert harmonies, and the singer was amply able to hit high notes without his voice breaking.
Valli’s life on the surface looked successful; however his overnight success was some ten years in the making! While the band’s massive artistic and commercial triumphs are celebrated, the play’s considerable drama springs from the darker elements of the group’s story, from DeVito’s troubles with mob loan sharks that helped torpedo the act at the height of its success, to Valli’s dysfunctional family life.
How Frankie’s life matters to each of us? What lessons can we take away from his?
Frankie Valli is a triple threat to the entertainment industry. There’s a shortlist of entertainers who’ve successfully leveraged a unique vocal range synonymously with sustainable marketability. Who else could tackle the breadth of material that Frankie has done over the years and not just do it justice, but take it on to a point that places it artistically beyond the reach of others to imitate?
Use what you’ve got and develop it…get past the setbacks!
Rhythm and blues music was doing falsetto for years, yet Valli developed falsetto singing style at a more expansive level, unheard of in the past and even today.
Valli has managed to reinvent himself a number of times. No artist in the history of popular music has been able to maintain consistent success over a very long period.
Valli re-wrote the story of his life several times until he and his group, were able to reach success. Valli networked, practiced relentlessly, and studied Frank Sinatra and other musical legends of that time. Valli let each setback serve as a springboard to future success. Valli also was a quick-study when it came to setbacks; he learned from it and always focused on the future. Valli was ahead of his industry counterparts by maintaining ownership of the group’s original masters which has created financial freedom for himself and his business partner.
At one point in Valli’s career he developed otosclerosis, an incurable ear disease caused by a build up of calcium deposits, which leads to deafness. It got so bad that Valli couldn't hear himself on stage or while recording many of the hits fans have come to love. This condition lasted for several years before any solution was discovered.
Despite this performance altering setback, Valli maintained a professional acumen, without any live audience or recording studio awareness.
There’s some obstacle that we have to strategically address & some areas of our lives we will never fully recover from, like Valli, who never has fully recovered his hearing. Despite these tragedies, it’s imperative that we create a strategy to bounce back…and quickly.
So the empowering question I pose to you today is “What will you do to overcome your most recent setback…and WHEN will you begin?”
I’m committed to re-inventing my approach to a project that’s dear to my professional life and the lives of countless others. I am doing all that I can to REMAIN teachable, quick to change and increasingly open to innovative approaches? How about you?
Remain confident, courageous and phenomenal…
Remember you’ll only lead your life when you WHOLLY understand who you are. Begin the CHANGE revolution today.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
When I come to the place of personal responsibility, I'm close to breakthrough!
You cannot let people who don’t want what you do tell you how to act or respond!
We have to be willing to ask ourselves the DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. Without facing ourselves, we cannot change the situations, which consistently cause us debilitating frustration. We have to get to the place where we GET enough information to finally address the issues, which keep us from changing.
If you & I are honest with ourselves, it’s the identical issues, that cause the identical setbacks.
During a conversation with my great friend Cindy, I was approached about fasting on the Day of Atonement: Yom Kippur.
Known as the Day of Atonement the 25-hour period of fasting and intensive prayer will begin at sundown this Sunday (9/27/09) and will last until sundown Monday (9/28/09) evening.
Two holy candles are blessed and then lit, signaling the beginning of Yom Kippur 9/27/09. Once this has been done, there is no more eating or drinking, no bathing, no using creams and oils, no wearing of leather shoes, and no sexual relations.
Even Jews who do not observe any other Jewish custom will refrain from work, fast and attend synagogue services on this day. This is considered the Day of Judgment, a day to practice repentance, say prayers and give charity in an effort to receive God’s forgiveness for all sins made in the past year.
My choosing to follow Yom Kippur this 9/27/09 got me thinking about our world’s great need for personal, professional, emotional, relational and physical re-calibration of our lives.
This definite commitment causes us to practice principles, enabling us to become one with them.
This sounds so amazing and life changing, yet how does it exactly occur?
Feelings are never going to go away. We don’t have to follow our feelings; we can manage them. There’s this uncanny process which we all succumb to. It is my actions...beliefs...behaviors...consequences which create cycles in my life. I get so consumed (consciously and subconsciously) that whatever I’ve fed takes center stage of my life. Our greatest times of growth are when we do what’s right, when we FEEL wrong…. this sucks; yet it’s the truth for all of us.
The life empowerment exercise I immediately set out to accomplish centered on identifying what I was feeding subconsciously and consciously in various aspects of my life. This is my list:
1) Tradition. I was pre-occupied with wanting things to be a certain idealized way in my marriage & in my professional relationship with one gentleman in particular. The reality is that the idealized marriage I envisioned myself to be apart of didn’t have someone who’d been previously married. It didn’t include anyone who’d been hurt or driven to despair of some sort, causing unyielding mistrust. My working relationships didn’t include an individual who would consider him or herself, before everyone ELSE no matter what. I dreamt up someone who would travail for those they work with; that they’d be this servant-leader that was persuaded to live the ideals they share in corporate emails & during motivational speeches made in the presence of other executives.
2) PROFOUND Sadness & despair. I have wrestled with grief over my relationship with my bonus child and my blended extended family unit. I walked into the 10th act of a horror novel. Everything looked so shiny at the onset. Yes, finally I’d have that big family I never had with unconditional loving well adjusted people who had no issues…WRONG. Rather, the main characters were so adept at “their way” of doing things, & everyone walked with a limp that I shined the light upon. It was the most melodic perfect & worst thing that could simultaneously occur in all of our lives.
3) Trust. Trust that everything could finally stabilize in my life. That all of the crooked places of my existence would be made straight. That everything that I’ve worked to manifest in every aspect of my life could finally take center stage & delightfully be.
4) Celebration. Celebration of all of the RIGHT things I did and am doing got moved to the background of my life. Somehow the first three issues I recounted in this blog sideswiped my life. These successes indeed need celebration and gratitude because they are indeed life changing and serve as the infrastructure of the imminent life-change in store for my and the worlds life as we know it. The way of doing, thinking, feeling and believing will be CHANGED…all because of my being a willing vessel & learning to practice what I preach…in the midst of victory, setback, anxiety, frustration, extreme sadness, pressure, uncertainty, pain, profound loneliness & isolation et al.
Ultimately each of us needs to understand what’s appropriate and inappropriate for our lives.
But how do we turn things around when our THERE seems so FAR away?
To modify things, you & I have to see things differently. We have to begin by making a quality decision to never allow others who don’t want what WE want to be at their mercy.
This is the heart of what atonement is all about. Atonement is calling each of us to RE-THINK every aspect of our lives. Purposefully, we are promising to abstain from the very things, which tend to trip us up & gain enough peace to permanently CHANGE.
In the action of mastering the body for 24 hours, you are believed to
create clarity & direction.
This 24-hour period creates three distinct endpoints: desolation-consecration-restoration.
The immediate results are zoning in on who you are and becoming one with it. Learning to clearly identify everything that grades aspects of my life as opportunities to GROW in peace, resilience, & personal accountability.
This approach lays the infrastructure to do what you can & leave what is best left ALONE.
So many of us brag about having “no regrets.” The problem with this mindset is it inevitably guarantees repeats of the same challenges in the future...because we never fully dealt with the past.
Its imperative we schedule time to regularly reflect, so we can see the ERROR & TRUTH concerning every aspect of our lives. It’s in the mastering of our moments, that we craft the masterpiece of our lives.
The great thing about our lives is that we can atone DAILY. As we become masterful in atoning, we can learn to atone each moment.
Please share your victories, your setbacks & your questions. I swear that none of us is as smart as all of us.
I’m surrendered to the process. I will win. I will continue to master the art of active listening, communicating & forgiving others & myself…. all with intact boundaries.
Each day:
Identify where your thinking went/goes wayward?
Identify the answer and ask yourself why it isn’t working in your life?
Make it your goal to make someone else’s day. Get past all of the good intentions.
Now when life’s three, four point formations (popularly witnessed in football play) come your way, you can handle them.
We have to be willing to ask ourselves the DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. Without facing ourselves, we cannot change the situations, which consistently cause us debilitating frustration. We have to get to the place where we GET enough information to finally address the issues, which keep us from changing.
If you & I are honest with ourselves, it’s the identical issues, that cause the identical setbacks.
During a conversation with my great friend Cindy, I was approached about fasting on the Day of Atonement: Yom Kippur.
Known as the Day of Atonement the 25-hour period of fasting and intensive prayer will begin at sundown this Sunday (9/27/09) and will last until sundown Monday (9/28/09) evening.
Two holy candles are blessed and then lit, signaling the beginning of Yom Kippur 9/27/09. Once this has been done, there is no more eating or drinking, no bathing, no using creams and oils, no wearing of leather shoes, and no sexual relations.
Even Jews who do not observe any other Jewish custom will refrain from work, fast and attend synagogue services on this day. This is considered the Day of Judgment, a day to practice repentance, say prayers and give charity in an effort to receive God’s forgiveness for all sins made in the past year.
My choosing to follow Yom Kippur this 9/27/09 got me thinking about our world’s great need for personal, professional, emotional, relational and physical re-calibration of our lives.
This definite commitment causes us to practice principles, enabling us to become one with them.
This sounds so amazing and life changing, yet how does it exactly occur?
Feelings are never going to go away. We don’t have to follow our feelings; we can manage them. There’s this uncanny process which we all succumb to. It is my actions...beliefs...behaviors...consequences which create cycles in my life. I get so consumed (consciously and subconsciously) that whatever I’ve fed takes center stage of my life. Our greatest times of growth are when we do what’s right, when we FEEL wrong…. this sucks; yet it’s the truth for all of us.
The life empowerment exercise I immediately set out to accomplish centered on identifying what I was feeding subconsciously and consciously in various aspects of my life. This is my list:
1) Tradition. I was pre-occupied with wanting things to be a certain idealized way in my marriage & in my professional relationship with one gentleman in particular. The reality is that the idealized marriage I envisioned myself to be apart of didn’t have someone who’d been previously married. It didn’t include anyone who’d been hurt or driven to despair of some sort, causing unyielding mistrust. My working relationships didn’t include an individual who would consider him or herself, before everyone ELSE no matter what. I dreamt up someone who would travail for those they work with; that they’d be this servant-leader that was persuaded to live the ideals they share in corporate emails & during motivational speeches made in the presence of other executives.
2) PROFOUND Sadness & despair. I have wrestled with grief over my relationship with my bonus child and my blended extended family unit. I walked into the 10th act of a horror novel. Everything looked so shiny at the onset. Yes, finally I’d have that big family I never had with unconditional loving well adjusted people who had no issues…WRONG. Rather, the main characters were so adept at “their way” of doing things, & everyone walked with a limp that I shined the light upon. It was the most melodic perfect & worst thing that could simultaneously occur in all of our lives.
3) Trust. Trust that everything could finally stabilize in my life. That all of the crooked places of my existence would be made straight. That everything that I’ve worked to manifest in every aspect of my life could finally take center stage & delightfully be.
4) Celebration. Celebration of all of the RIGHT things I did and am doing got moved to the background of my life. Somehow the first three issues I recounted in this blog sideswiped my life. These successes indeed need celebration and gratitude because they are indeed life changing and serve as the infrastructure of the imminent life-change in store for my and the worlds life as we know it. The way of doing, thinking, feeling and believing will be CHANGED…all because of my being a willing vessel & learning to practice what I preach…in the midst of victory, setback, anxiety, frustration, extreme sadness, pressure, uncertainty, pain, profound loneliness & isolation et al.
Ultimately each of us needs to understand what’s appropriate and inappropriate for our lives.
But how do we turn things around when our THERE seems so FAR away?
To modify things, you & I have to see things differently. We have to begin by making a quality decision to never allow others who don’t want what WE want to be at their mercy.
This is the heart of what atonement is all about. Atonement is calling each of us to RE-THINK every aspect of our lives. Purposefully, we are promising to abstain from the very things, which tend to trip us up & gain enough peace to permanently CHANGE.
In the action of mastering the body for 24 hours, you are believed to
create clarity & direction.
This 24-hour period creates three distinct endpoints: desolation-consecration-restoration.
The immediate results are zoning in on who you are and becoming one with it. Learning to clearly identify everything that grades aspects of my life as opportunities to GROW in peace, resilience, & personal accountability.
This approach lays the infrastructure to do what you can & leave what is best left ALONE.
So many of us brag about having “no regrets.” The problem with this mindset is it inevitably guarantees repeats of the same challenges in the future...because we never fully dealt with the past.
Its imperative we schedule time to regularly reflect, so we can see the ERROR & TRUTH concerning every aspect of our lives. It’s in the mastering of our moments, that we craft the masterpiece of our lives.
The great thing about our lives is that we can atone DAILY. As we become masterful in atoning, we can learn to atone each moment.
Please share your victories, your setbacks & your questions. I swear that none of us is as smart as all of us.
I’m surrendered to the process. I will win. I will continue to master the art of active listening, communicating & forgiving others & myself…. all with intact boundaries.
Each day:
Identify where your thinking went/goes wayward?
Identify the answer and ask yourself why it isn’t working in your life?
Make it your goal to make someone else’s day. Get past all of the good intentions.
Now when life’s three, four point formations (popularly witnessed in football play) come your way, you can handle them.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Change...Why Is it so difficult?
Forgiveness is free. Grace is expensive.
The very thing you hold onto to keep doing things "your way" is the very thing that keeps you from realizing your full potential.
Why do you believe you can't CHANGE a certain aspect of your life, no matter how hard you try? What is it that you know if you KNEW it for sure, would permanently CHANGE your life?
If you're like me, understanding something in your mind and making it change the way you live, sometimes takes longer than I can imagine. I've learned the process is much more cumbersome than just changing my mind.
Rather, it's the result of my initial decision to CHANGE & willingly making successive choices to remain on task until obtaining the desire sought. This willingness is tested by your response to 1) difficulty, 2) desire, 3) direction, & 4) joy.
BUT IT ISN'T EASY!
Sure you and I have ability. Yes we're smart. We think we're smarter than we really are. We know so much, however we have such minute coping skills to get us past "our stuff." But how can this be so? The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know.
This got me to thinking about how much better my life would be if I would promise to make a "I don't know list" before entering uncharted territory toward whatever goal I target to permanently CHANGE.
I decided to test this premise in my life and provide you with the navigational coordinates which will get you past those deep, internal wounds that keep you on the sidelines of life. No more band-aids for me!
The subject I challenged myself to CHANGE was perfecting my love walk. WOW, this was a huge undertaking, because I'm a self professed amazing, loving person. I immediately began to reflect on all of the loving things I do, say & think; how I'm such a wonderful & supportive person.
So after I finished feasting on my fully developed pride & ego, this little voice began challenging me to go deeper; to get past the nice stuff that keeps me SATISFIED, yet STUCK.
This voice helped to reveal the following I don't knows...so I could go & finally be at peace (professionally, emotionally, relationally & physically):
1) I don't know all there is to know about forgiveness. I'm ignorant about what it takes to win this battle.
2) I don't know many people who've successfully forgiven others.
3) I don't know many people who see much wrong with being unforgiving.
4) I don't know how to ALWAYS remember the benefits of forgiveness when in the middle of reliving "what was done or is being done to me by ________________."
5) I didn't realize that the reason my love is flawed toward people & certain situations is because I hadn't slain the giants of my past. How could I change when I didn't know how to reconcile the past wrongs done to me by people I no longer see or speak to?
6) I don't know how to stop being perpetually uneasy, worried and anxious about my life. I'm so wonderfully processed in certain areas of my life & so perplexed in other areas...I'm certain my husband & closest friends see with relative ease.
7) I didn't know the more I worry about what I don't know, the more time I lose focus on cultivating the ability to stop worrying
about what I cannot change; That I have to become committed to eradicating arrogance in my life. Nothing positive can come from worrying about the changes I wish I knew how to change.
Change only happens when I make a SHIFT in my behavior- where I choose to invest my time & thoughts.
8) I didn't understand ruptured relationships had affected me so deeply because I just covered up the emotional wounds with
busyness, people pleasing & telling myself to just get over it. This was nothing more than a band aid.
So you get the picture. I allowed myself 15 minutes to complete this exercise. I wrote down the most honest thoughts. Do this quickly before you begin to worry, feel worse than better about this area of life, & could make up some excuse which would allow you to get some false comfort enabling you to remain SATISFIED, yet STUCK.
Remember, honesty comes quickly! The longer you take to complete the exercise, the further entrenched you'll become in your issues. It's time each of us see our needs, grasp our innate value & see everyone as worthy of your intentionality. The economic downturn we are facing challenges us to think about what matters most & eradicate what doesn't.
NO LONGER BLINDED WITH PRIDE!
So equipped with my list I set out to tackle these vices & eliminate them completely.
The first step toward my escape was to IDENTIFY what makes me weak & susceptible to unforgiving, anxiety &/or becoming fearful, in certain instances, while not in others? I did this step so I could stop being ignorant/blindsided by assumptions. Many of my challenges have been resolved because I NOW know the when, where, who, what & how I get myself into challenges with unforgiving which leads to a compromised loving of others.
The second step is pre-planning avoidance. I plan by design over default. I have to get intentional about the changes I desire to make to keep myself free of arrogance & self-sabotage. When pre-planning avoidance, I remain cognizant of the role self-talk, & interaction with others play.
STOP ASSUMING ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE!
The third step is learning to ask for help! This steps the most challenging because people count on me & look to me as their resource...so where does this leave me to turn? So I turned to the Internet so I would know exactly where my focus should be when I did speak to one of my friends, family, counselor, or even a well intentioned stranger. I did exhaustive FOCUSED searches on "choosing joy," "prayer," "unconditional forgiveness," "learning to think in ways that are helpful for me," "forgiveness superstars," "how to permanently forgive," " grace & heart transformation," "why forgiveness is so difficult," "why me," et al.
This step was extremely important & enabled me to candidly speak to others about the challenges in my life. This focused intentionality allowed me to become aware of the envy, jealousy, fear, worry, loneliness, anxiety, frustration, & mistreatment that was dormant in certain aspects of my life.
The fourth step cements the process of CHANGE together. It builds accountability into your life in a way that shifts attention & consistently has defaults which re-calibrate your life. Its imperative that you and I are the most effective beings humanly possible.
What you & I refuse to face, literally has us by the balls (so to speak). Let me prove this point quickly. Just think about something you hate. Ok now STOP. Did you stop, or are you still thinking about it/struggling not to think about it? The more you think about something, the more it upsets you; before you know it, this is all you're thinking about!
We all need a road map!
This proves the key to change is to focus on something else & promise yourself, to no longer embark toward change alone! You need people I like to call "wise traveling companions" who will support you in the process of change. You also need resources-text message reminders, intentional & highly focused thought cards, written statements which embed your brain with permanent CHANGE! Always keep reminders of your targets on the dashboard of your mind!
Become the serotonin you need to put everything to bed that no longer serves you!
To your best life! You're more phenomenal than you think. More powerful than you know. If I can change, so can you! Transform yourself and your relationships.
Please post your comments & share your process of change. Lets each show up to the campfire with our log (for explanation, see prior post).
The very thing you hold onto to keep doing things "your way" is the very thing that keeps you from realizing your full potential.
Why do you believe you can't CHANGE a certain aspect of your life, no matter how hard you try? What is it that you know if you KNEW it for sure, would permanently CHANGE your life?
If you're like me, understanding something in your mind and making it change the way you live, sometimes takes longer than I can imagine. I've learned the process is much more cumbersome than just changing my mind.
Rather, it's the result of my initial decision to CHANGE & willingly making successive choices to remain on task until obtaining the desire sought. This willingness is tested by your response to 1) difficulty, 2) desire, 3) direction, & 4) joy.
BUT IT ISN'T EASY!
Sure you and I have ability. Yes we're smart. We think we're smarter than we really are. We know so much, however we have such minute coping skills to get us past "our stuff." But how can this be so? The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know.
This got me to thinking about how much better my life would be if I would promise to make a "I don't know list" before entering uncharted territory toward whatever goal I target to permanently CHANGE.
I decided to test this premise in my life and provide you with the navigational coordinates which will get you past those deep, internal wounds that keep you on the sidelines of life. No more band-aids for me!
The subject I challenged myself to CHANGE was perfecting my love walk. WOW, this was a huge undertaking, because I'm a self professed amazing, loving person. I immediately began to reflect on all of the loving things I do, say & think; how I'm such a wonderful & supportive person.
So after I finished feasting on my fully developed pride & ego, this little voice began challenging me to go deeper; to get past the nice stuff that keeps me SATISFIED, yet STUCK.
This voice helped to reveal the following I don't knows...so I could go & finally be at peace (professionally, emotionally, relationally & physically):
1) I don't know all there is to know about forgiveness. I'm ignorant about what it takes to win this battle.
2) I don't know many people who've successfully forgiven others.
3) I don't know many people who see much wrong with being unforgiving.
4) I don't know how to ALWAYS remember the benefits of forgiveness when in the middle of reliving "what was done or is being done to me by ________________."
5) I didn't realize that the reason my love is flawed toward people & certain situations is because I hadn't slain the giants of my past. How could I change when I didn't know how to reconcile the past wrongs done to me by people I no longer see or speak to?
6) I don't know how to stop being perpetually uneasy, worried and anxious about my life. I'm so wonderfully processed in certain areas of my life & so perplexed in other areas...I'm certain my husband & closest friends see with relative ease.
7) I didn't know the more I worry about what I don't know, the more time I lose focus on cultivating the ability to stop worrying
about what I cannot change; That I have to become committed to eradicating arrogance in my life. Nothing positive can come from worrying about the changes I wish I knew how to change.
Change only happens when I make a SHIFT in my behavior- where I choose to invest my time & thoughts.
8) I didn't understand ruptured relationships had affected me so deeply because I just covered up the emotional wounds with
busyness, people pleasing & telling myself to just get over it. This was nothing more than a band aid.
So you get the picture. I allowed myself 15 minutes to complete this exercise. I wrote down the most honest thoughts. Do this quickly before you begin to worry, feel worse than better about this area of life, & could make up some excuse which would allow you to get some false comfort enabling you to remain SATISFIED, yet STUCK.
Remember, honesty comes quickly! The longer you take to complete the exercise, the further entrenched you'll become in your issues. It's time each of us see our needs, grasp our innate value & see everyone as worthy of your intentionality. The economic downturn we are facing challenges us to think about what matters most & eradicate what doesn't.
NO LONGER BLINDED WITH PRIDE!
So equipped with my list I set out to tackle these vices & eliminate them completely.
The first step toward my escape was to IDENTIFY what makes me weak & susceptible to unforgiving, anxiety &/or becoming fearful, in certain instances, while not in others? I did this step so I could stop being ignorant/blindsided by assumptions. Many of my challenges have been resolved because I NOW know the when, where, who, what & how I get myself into challenges with unforgiving which leads to a compromised loving of others.
The second step is pre-planning avoidance. I plan by design over default. I have to get intentional about the changes I desire to make to keep myself free of arrogance & self-sabotage. When pre-planning avoidance, I remain cognizant of the role self-talk, & interaction with others play.
STOP ASSUMING ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE!
The third step is learning to ask for help! This steps the most challenging because people count on me & look to me as their resource...so where does this leave me to turn? So I turned to the Internet so I would know exactly where my focus should be when I did speak to one of my friends, family, counselor, or even a well intentioned stranger. I did exhaustive FOCUSED searches on "choosing joy," "prayer," "unconditional forgiveness," "learning to think in ways that are helpful for me," "forgiveness superstars," "how to permanently forgive," " grace & heart transformation," "why forgiveness is so difficult," "why me," et al.
This step was extremely important & enabled me to candidly speak to others about the challenges in my life. This focused intentionality allowed me to become aware of the envy, jealousy, fear, worry, loneliness, anxiety, frustration, & mistreatment that was dormant in certain aspects of my life.
The fourth step cements the process of CHANGE together. It builds accountability into your life in a way that shifts attention & consistently has defaults which re-calibrate your life. Its imperative that you and I are the most effective beings humanly possible.
What you & I refuse to face, literally has us by the balls (so to speak). Let me prove this point quickly. Just think about something you hate. Ok now STOP. Did you stop, or are you still thinking about it/struggling not to think about it? The more you think about something, the more it upsets you; before you know it, this is all you're thinking about!
We all need a road map!
This proves the key to change is to focus on something else & promise yourself, to no longer embark toward change alone! You need people I like to call "wise traveling companions" who will support you in the process of change. You also need resources-text message reminders, intentional & highly focused thought cards, written statements which embed your brain with permanent CHANGE! Always keep reminders of your targets on the dashboard of your mind!
Become the serotonin you need to put everything to bed that no longer serves you!
To your best life! You're more phenomenal than you think. More powerful than you know. If I can change, so can you! Transform yourself and your relationships.
Please post your comments & share your process of change. Lets each show up to the campfire with our log (for explanation, see prior post).
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